Anger Management

Anger is one of the most common emotions that someone in a long distance relationship feels. Lets examine what feelings can lead to anger -

Frustration with your partner/relationship => Anger

Miscommunication => Anger

Lack of control => Anger

Sacrifices that you have to make to be in the relationship => Anger

Even if you have committed yourself mind, body and soul, to the relationship, the natural stress and strain of being apart from the one you love can result in anger. So it becomes important to understand this primal emotion and control it. Learning to recognize the early signs of anger and preventing the situation from escalating beyond control is also a necessary skill to possess to have a successful long-distance relationship.

John Gottman, mentioned in Blink, is one of the world’s foremost experts on relationships and his research is the foundation for this article on anger.

Here’s an excerpt -

“Gottman’s research found the four behaviors that destroy a relationship/marriage are:

CRITICISM–blaming, finding fault, nit picking over small things

CONTEMPT –disgust, name-calling, cursing, and being hateful. Disgust over time builds up into the decision to separate

DEFENSIVENESS –not taking responsibility for own stuff, turning the blame back on your partner

STONEWALLING –refusing to deal with the issue, minimal zing the problem, inability to deal with conflict, walking away angry

Gottman can detect these four behaviors within the first 3 minutes of a conversation! He can predict with 96% accuracy, which marriages will succeed and which will fail from these first three minutes of the fight!”

Another flare-up, more unanswered questions

I just don’t understand sometimes. When your partner starts irritating you and you say some rude (and usually undeserved) back, why do all the instances of your partner’s kindness to you start pouring out? You didn’t say that the person was unkind, you didn’t say they were stupid, you didn’t say they don’t care. You had an issue with whatever was going on at that time when you said what you said. Why can’t people just stick to the topic?

The other thing I don’t understand – why are you supposed to be the one consoling them when the fight is between the two of you? If you are fighting, i.e. you are not happy with each other, then why is there an expectation that you will tell the other person that everything will be OK? I can understand that you have to support your partner when things are not going well for them, but when the two of you are fighting, its not impartial, its not about someone else, its about your unhappiness with your partner! How can you be supportive?

Stayin’ in touch: Free and cheap tools I use to communicate

The world has become a smaller place, primarily because of the communication tools at our disposal.

Internet based (need a computer for both parties)

There are several pieces of free software that you can use to connect via the internet.

Skype – Free! I use it for videocalling. This is probably as close as it gets to actually being there. Seeing the other person real-time makes a huge difference.

 

Eyejot – Free! Think of it as video email. The great part is that you don’t have to install any software on your computer, its all web-based.

e-mail – Free! I use gmail for most of my emailing. It is by far the fastest email service. Try to reduce the amount of email because it takes the longest to say the least amount of stuff. Try eyejot instead.

e-cards – (mostly) Free! Great for those special occasions when you cant actually be there.

Gtalk – Free! The clean chat interface is not cluttered with ads (AIM hint! hint!) and you are less distracted during the (precious little) time that you get with your loved one. Did I mention you can also use it directly from Gmail.

Part Internet based (need a computer for one party)

Gizmocall – Free! Great for calling up to 10 minutes a day. Also, like Eyejot, you dont have to install any software but the Flash/Flex plugin is a little fussy and does not load all the time.

AIM – Free! Get AIM phoneline and you get a free US incoming phone number. Any call to that number gets routed to your AIM

Yahoo Messenger – Cheap! A good way to call someone’s landline or mobile. Easy to use and cheap but not the best voice quality.

Not Internet based (no computers required)

Calling cards – Cheap! A much better way to call long-distance than using your default provider.

Text Messaging – send over the internet or from a phone.

Snail mail – Not free! With the proliferation of electronic and phone-based tools, receiving a physical package on a special occasion means so much more. 

Tips on surviving a long-distance relationship

With increasing mobility and cheaper communication, more and more people are in a long-distance relationship at some point in their lives. Here are some tips from famous career blogger, the Brazen Careerist, Penelope Trunk -

The long-distance relationship goes mainstream: 3 tips for survival

What is your communication threshold?

People can be very different, especially when it comes to how they communicate. When you are in a long distance relationship, it becomes important to understand how you and your partner communicate and what problems can arise as a result of the differences.

I think people fall into two categories – type A and type B. Type A (aka myself) people are generally happy with a certain level of time spent on communication. Beyond that, the level of happiness decreases. Talking becomes bothersome and intrusive beyond that. Type B people (my partner) are quite different, the more they talk and communicate, the happier they are.

There are of course consequences to being mismatched in your communication profiles. We’ll examine that in the near future.  

What does it mean when

you feel sick and nauseous after talking to your partner?

What came first – the chicken or the egg?

My view: A relationship has to be good before all the lovey-dovey sweet talk comes out. If you aren’t happy with the other person, what would make you start saying things that you might not feel?

Another view: If you can’t say nice things to the other person in a difficult time then you are not working towards keeping the relationship together. In other words, if you can’t be sweet when you don’t really feel like it, the relationship will never be good.

Am I being selfish?

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